Most if not all of the celestials and souls here also know that God used me as a weapon when Hellforces attacked from the Marches. Some think it "cool" and "awesome", some are disturbed by it (mostly the Malakim) and some I suppose are downright unhappy about it (the other demons, myself very much included although in my case "unhappy" would be a synonym for "bloody furious"). Fortunately, none of them bother me about it and for that small mercy I am grateful.
I don't think many of my fellow citizens know that I used to be a Seraph a long, long time ago. Some do, but only one of them makes any fuss about it. I suppose lashing out helps him to ground himself or something. A little less bigotry would be nice, but then again -- if he's the biggest bother I have here, then in all honesty I have nothing to complain about.
Outsiders, on the other hand, are far less inhibited. Again, I have a nasty suspicion that the Malakim will be the far greater pains, if that fledgeling Virtue of the Wind is anything to go by. There isn't much I can do to prepare myself for such occasions, save keeping faith in myself and the choice I've made.
Archangel Janus made no big deal about offering Heaven to me, but he did make sure that the offer was perceived. I am grateful that he let me go, though. I don't think any other Heaven-dwelling Archangel would have let me off the hook with nothing but a hair-rising mission as the price tag. He wouldn't have agreed to it unless he saw Heaven served by it, and like all Wordbound angels, he sees Heaven's cause filtered through his Word. So by remaining in Shangri-La and working for the benefit of that realm, I apparently also serve chaos and change. Or so one gathers.
The important part is that he didn't give me the old Redeem Or Die ultimatum.
If he had, I don't honestly know what I would or could have done to save myself. I would have tried to talk my way out of impending disaster, but how much good it would've done me... That lot aren't famous for listening or trying to understand, once they've got their minds made up. More likely, I would've played along to stall for time.
If I ever get myself into a situation like that, my choices are three: 1) I can play along and enter "redemption school" and hope that Lady Lilith tracks me down and rescues me before it's too late. A Geas is a useful thing, one hopes. 2) I can try to escape on my own, and that will not be an easy feat. 3) I can commit suicide and hang out in Limbo for a while. That latter is by far the least tempting choice, and it also requires careful timing -- it's no point in popping back out of Limbo in the same Tether I was trying to escape in the first place.
But, these are all "what-ifs". No one's asked me about Heaven yet, and for all I know, no one ever will. If someone asks, my answer is simple: Heaven is a closed chapter to me. There is nothing for me there -- nothing I want, nothing I need. I have no wish to go back there, and I am quite certain that any attempt of doing so would erase me from existence.
I do carry a piece of Heaven with me, though.
Yes, I expect most of you are doing a double-take now, but read that sentence again, please. Resonate it if you want to. It is Truth, I assure you. I cannot speak for all demons, but I am fairly certain that all of the so called "Fallen" -- the ones who were once angels -- all carry a tiny little piece of Heaven with them always. Most of them won't even realise, but when you're in Hell you learn to bury your treasures.
My piece of Heaven is the memory of what once was. It contains the images of a realm of purest innocence, a paradise lost. My paradise. All that is left of that are the pieces I carry with me, and like with all pasts, it cannot be resurrected. There is no future in going back; that way lies only pointless heartache and death. I do not want to see the new Heaven that grew from the ruins of the Rebellion. I do not want to see the empty Cathedrals, or sense the nagging feeling that there should have been a great dwelling right here, or lay eyes upon the walls that weren't there when I left, or...
The prospect of returning to an alien realm where I'll be seeing shadows of broken innocence wherever I turn, perceiving echoes of the disaster we wrought at the edge of hearing -- how could I possibly want that?
What fortune then, that this third realm was created and that I happened upon it the very first day of its coming to life. I had long since given up on Hell; that first dream of a new and better realm got twisted beyond any hope of redemption soon after we went into Exile, it just took me very long to understand and accept it. My life through the last few millennia had no meaning; I was just going through whatever motions were required to be at the given moment. I was very good at going through the motions, so I got away with it. Hell isn't very forgiving of mediocrity, but when you make an artform of it, you will slip through the net.
One might wonder what serendipity caused Nybbas to send me of all his servitors to sniff around New York City for clues about what Lady Lilith and Jean were planning, but I prefer to keep my eyes firmly on the future Lady Lilith gifted me with, leaving past shadows behind. We have a new world to build, nurture and develop here, and so there is no time for past regrets.
The City of Candles is where my new life is, and for the first time since Eden was created, I feel truly at home.
~Liriel, free Balseraph.