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Vomiting was first invented by a lost tribe of ape men who lived in the dark and dull jungle of Milton Keynes in the Andes. By day they would roam the forest floor collecting berries to eat and writing UNIX utilities to calculate the day of any date. It was a simple life. Unfortunately, it was this very simplicity that was their undoing, because despite role playing games and the local sport which consisted of hitting a tree at the base with a stick, ( a process called, "hacking root" ), they were bored to death.
The average levels of boredom got so unbelievably high that they took to continuously eating until their stomachs were gorged, and then bringing it up again as an expression of their futile and animalistic existence. After several hundreds of generations of this practice, their stomachs had become so weak that the only thing they could keep down was raspberry cheesecake, and this hadn't been invented yet. So, after a small period of time, they all died out and remained dead happily ever after.
The art of vomiting was then lost to the world in the mists of time until it was rediscovered by the Romans. The Romans liked eating. They liked eating so much that they became dismayed by the modest size of the human stomach and disgusted at it's restricted abilities at stretching. A common roman phrase of the day that depicts this is, "Yo Japonicus my man, by Venus's tit, why have we got such small stomachs?". Anyhow the Romans experimented with many different ways of sidestepping the problem; some people tried to perfect their bowel control to the extent that they could pass their food before it had even been digested, others tried fitting a zip to their belly but it was no use.
As luck would have it, in a little known suburb of Rome there was a chartered accountant working as an anachronism who used to swallow his son and regurgitate him to amuse customers. The Emperor Augustus got wind of this, and after farting several times immediately declared vomiting as the imperial sport and pastime. The Roman ingenuity, persistance and Christian-flavoured cat food worked together to establish the foundations of the fully advanced science of vomiting that we know and love today. As well as the exciting developments in personal heaving they forged grand events and competitions which will be elaborated upon later. The Romans lived on for many years to enjoy their legacy until something went wrong in the divine right process and the quality of emperors went into sad decline. When it got to the stage that the emperor was someone who went to bed with a horse and fiddled and spent virtually all of his time sight seeing in England, the people were too pissed off to think about allegiance and went about doing their own thing.
Fortunately for us, the impact and public awareness of vomiting that the Romans created was enough to survive their demise. Whilst the competitions and mass vomiting never returned until the present day, vomiting was still a common practice amoung the people and royal sponsorship ensured a stable and healthy attitude towards it. Here are some quotes from our heritage:-
You may be thinking, "Ok, so all this sounds very interesting, indeed I have always maintained curiousity in it, but how do I go about getting into vomitting, having not had any experience 'per se' of chunder?". A lot of people are anxious about the thought of their first vomit but there is nothing to worry about and it doesn't help matters to be overly nervous, so try your best to relax, put on some soft music and don't think about it too much before you actually try it. What I am implying here of course is that you try your first vomit in the security and privacy of your home. There has been much written by vomitologists about the significance in later life of the 'first vomit' or the 'steam breaker' as it is sometimes called, the emphasis usually being that you never forget your first vomit and the circumstances in which it occurs can affect the rest of your life. This is certainly true to some extent, but many vomit writers go on to say that because of this you should seek to make your first vomit as dramatic, pleasureable and special as possible, and with this I do not agree. Of all the people who come to my clinic suffering from premature vomitting, liquid spew, dry mouth, weak stomachs or inferiority complexes are victims of psychosomatic disorders and a lot of these are due to being too ambitious too soon. A lot of ignorance and misinformation exists in the vomit-virgin world and this can lead people to make some big mistakes in their first attempt. This is why I strongly urge you to take things slowly and to start off in your home.
There are a number of simple ways that the novice can induce vomit. Which of these you try depends on your religion, your carpet and whether you are going to work tommorow. Diet of course, is very important, but for the moment we will stick to the basics because we want to keep things simple and reliable. For this purpose we suggest one or more of the following:-
When you feel your first convulsion or spasm, if no substance has entered your mouth, then punch yourself in the gut ( or get a friend to do it ). Other things to try are standing up and bending over the receptical placed at your feet or sitting on the ground with your legs drawn up against your torso and your head between your legs. The important thing to remember is to not prolong an unsucessful contraction. If after several spasms, nothing has happened, then return to the inducers and try again after a few minutes.
When you get that silky feeling in your throat and you realise that for the first time in your life you are going to throw, the most important thing to remember is to not let your excitement lead you to lose control. First of all, dont dispatch the first chunks as they arise but keep your mouth shut for a moment or two. Not only does having a bulging gob full of chunder have a very satisfying inducer effect, but you want to release your produce in big bursts for maximal splosh factor. In the chapter 'Techniques, style and artistic impression' we discuss advanced techniques for prolonging the technicolor yawn but for the first time just be satisfied with the duration that you can get by not rushing it.
So that was your first vomit. Hopefully through the guidance of this manual it has been a loud and enjoyable one. You'll now want to know how you can increase and optimise your vomitting and become an experienced throw up merchant. Well, you are just initialised into the wonderful world of vomit, and naturally you are eager, but take things slowly. The next chapters will lead you to excellence.
Even Sedric "The Chucker" Chewitt can't heave from an empty stomach. Diet is the single most important factor in successful vomit consistancy. In time you will find your own personal selection of foods that suit your requirements for taste, smell, consistancy, volume and acidity but here are some guidelines for getting there as fast as possible.
Perfecting consistancy:
Everything is broken down by the stomachs acid, but at different rates. For optimum consistancy, you should aim to vomit when roughly half of the stomach content is fully broken down. At this time, depending on what you eat, there will remain some components of the food relatively undigested. A comprehensive list of food ingredients and digestion times has been published by penguin under the title, "A complete study in food digestion and interesting vomit constitution", and this is vital reading material if you intend to enter the professional vomitting ring. Such a list is beyond the scope of this book but here are some key factors:-
Things that break down FAST:
Perfecting volume:
I have conducted a length study on the relation of food in to vomit out ratios and this is my conclusion. The volume change due to the addition of stomach acids is not appreciable and is usually countered by the fact that it is fairly hard to completely clear your stomach. However, it is possible to eat foods that swell in the tum somewhat such as pastry, mashed potatoes, spagetti and bread. Whilst the increase in volume is fairly small, it may be worthwhile and is certain worth a try. However in the general case, the only way to produce a real bag full of barf is to cram that stomach full.
Perfecting colour:
Colour can add excitement and surprise to your kneeling at the throne of the porcelain god and is very easy to do with a little care. Peppers for example, take a long time to break down and so keep their colour ( red, green or yellow ) much longer than everything else. The delight in throwing a glorious puke with red, green and yellow bits can not be over estimated.
Perfecting acidity:
Acidity is more a factor dependant upon how long your food has been in your stomach rather than what you eat, in fact, it is has often marvelled vomit-novices the fact that chicken kiev looks much the same as carrot cake and anything else that has sloshed around inside you for an hour. In general then, strive for the ideal of keeping your bulk for upwards of half an hour before using inducers or making the final decision to vomit. If you dont have the time for such preparations then drink half a pint of coke into which has been mixed 4 tablespoons of cayenne, or curry powder and you might like to add some nutmeg to finish off the aftertaste.
Perfecting smell:
The ingredients for enhancing vomit smell are fairly obvious. Garlic, sage and spices of all sorts and the standards. As you progress further you may want to try drinking perfume, lemon juice, baby oil or mixing your foods with talcum powder. Ransid butter, curdled milk and rotting meat add distinctive overtones to any vomit if you can bring yourself to eat the stuff.
Of course there is so much more to vomitting than opening the floodgates and painting the floor, and it is the full bodied, never ending variety of pleasures and sensations that gives heaving such a dominant role in the field of human experience. In this chapter I intend to summarise the most prominant advanced techniques for increasing your vomitting pleasure and help you to explore the hidden depths which previously were a closely guarded secret in mysticism and the occult.
Probably the most characteristic quality of any vomitting is the throw or casting of the spew. When done well it can add a sense of professionalism to the whole business; even if all other aspects of the vomit are bad, an impressive throw can still make an attempt dramatic and unforgettable. Some leading professionals like Maggie "Blunderguts" Meggan and Squirting Stephens have devoted nearly all of their training to the throw and no one could call their results unimpressive.
Ok, so how do we work on that throw? Right now you've probably developed some fundamental stomach control but the chances are that your mouth is gaping uncontrolled, your wind-pipe is dormant and the vomit just slips over your tongue with out so much as a with-your-leave or a by-your-leave! To change this you will need to adopt a regular strategy of practice and exercises. Below is a list of exercises collected from the best recent works on vomitology and include some of the secret training instructions discovered recently in occult initiation ceremonial texts. Remember, don't try to be too ambitious, and continue each exercise until you are happy with your performance.
If you are relatively new to chucking the chunks then the single most thing that is holding your performance back is most likely to be your attitude. When the convulsions start, if you dont really know what to do then you will probably be tense and this causes the trachea to contract and stiffen in an uncontrollable fashion. Nervousness can also affect the stomach causing premature heaving or liquid spew. A proper discussion of these problems is given in the chapter 'some common problems'. For the time being I just want to describe a simple way to reduce nervousness. Try to relax and enjoy it rather than worrying overly about your performance. Sit in the bath and just wait until you feel ready. Sing a song or two or do a crossword perhaps. In your own time bring up approximately half of your guts. This will promote your control whilst not being too difficult and you can get used to being in command of the situation.
When the vomit starts to rise up your wind-pipe, tilt your head back and withdraw your tongue to the very back of your throat. You will find that if you place the tip of your tongue on the floor of your mouth cavity as far back as possible, then the back of your tongue will rise up against the opening of your wind-pipe. When the lumps reach your tongue and touch it significantly then drop your head to about 20 degrees below the horizontal and simultaneously throw forward your tongue. This is one of the best ways to prevent a gradual or slow build up or "pre-vomit-dribble" which can be very embarrassing on formal occasions when you are trying to impress the guests. Also, the action of the tongue can be varied to produce some very satisfying noises to accompany your bursts.
Whilst holding vomit at the back of the throat with the tongue is excellent for achieving high velocity streams, causing a build up in the mouth is very good for large-scale-splatt effects. For this purpose the aim is not to throw far or accurately, but to deposit large dollops of vomit over as big an area as possible. Purse your lips and bow your head about 45 degrees below the horizontal. Place your tongue over your front teeth and push forward with it slightly so that your lips bulge. Bring forth the glorious chunder into your mouth and let your cheeks bulge. When your mouth is full, drop your tongue, let your mouth open and as the chunks emerge, raise your head QUICKLY but not above horizontal. This will produce wonderful flowing bulk and the hopefully jerky movement of the head will throw it clear of your body.
This takes some practice. When the sharp movement of your head has finished, close your mouth and replace your tongue over your teeth or else you will slime your jumper and instantly loose all respect and admiration amoung your friends. If you time your jerk too late, the best thing to do to avoid disaster is to bend your torso sideways from the waist as quickly as possible and any drips or castaways will be thrown sideways. Whilst people will probably cotton on to what you are doing, it is better that they do this than laugh at you when you slip off to change your clothes.
When you have perfected the bulging mouth you will be a long way into professional vomitting. There's nothing to beat that collective look of excitement and anticipation on peoples faces as they stare at your gob which is rapidly becoming like a postmans bag, in the knowledge that in a few seconds the table will be devastated with a veritable holocaust of vomit.
Most people do not have that much control over their wind-pipe, but mastery of it's abilities and potential is vital if you are ever to see your name up in the list of classic throw-up merchants. Even if you dont have your eyes on fame, but only wish to develop your regurgitation for your personal satisfaction, being able to use your throat will give you that extra advantage over your vomitting friends and companions who probably never even tried to use it because of the difficulties involved.
With your mouth clear of vomit, try forcing a cough. For this it is important to have a glass of water or some other liquid around to drink or gargle with in between coughs since the throat can get very dry and sore if you repeatedly cough without lubrication. Concentrate on not only dispelling air quickly, but contracting your trachea. After a while you will be able to cause these contractions at will.
This is a fairly advanced technique that is perhaps only effective when used in conjuction with other methods. Use the contractions to reduce the vomit flow with a method to inhibit any liquid-spew, then let your throat expand and let the number 41 with rice find the shortest path to the floor.
This is a technique that was once laughed at and widely held in contempt since it used only to be employed by people who had zero throat control. These days it has come into acceptance with the knowledge that it can actually build and develop throat control, which is an admireable thing.
Fill the mouth with vomit and HOLD it there. This might take some practice but shouldn't pose any problems for the reader by now. As more chunder approaches which would normally force you to open your mouth, place one hand in front of your throat and the other behind and squeeze gently. If you do this right, there is no need for discomfort or a great deal of pressure; the front hand should be just above the collar-bone. When you squeeze, most of the force should be upwards and only a little into the throat. This way the vomit is held back with ease. When the pressure is right take your hands away FIRST and let the additional vomit come up. The extra pressure in your mouth should be enough to open your lips and the produce will fly at a surprising speed.
Next we describe, "rocket vomit". Some people can not do this, others can. Try it, but dont spend months on end trying to do it if no success shows. When you have the mental control to time your first vomit spasm fairly acurately, try filling your lungs just before the vomit rises. When enough juice n jobs have entered your mouth, release your lungs, throw your neck forward and the resulting escaping pressure will project lumps of vomit meters away from you. You may prefer to pinch your nose as you do this to stop fluid entering and attacking the mucous membranes. Although there are other methods in use today, this technique is generally held to be the key to long distance vomitting.
Something I feel compelled to mention if only to stop you doing it is the so called "squeaky-heave". This is the practice of breathing helium or other light gasses in order to achieve higher vomit velocities. The lungs can be severely damaged by being over-inflated and a normal sized breath of a gas like helium can do this. There are other dangers too. Hydrogen can combust spontaneously in the chest cavity and Nitrogen kills brain cells if large ammounts get absorbed into the blood stream. Hydrogen Fluoride will destroy your lungs very quickly. By way of a warning I will recall the incident of a contestant who tried to cheat using helium in the last Mr. Vomit competition; the resulting explosion of vomit was so violent that his lower jaw was dislocated and he lost three teeth. In short, DON'T DO IT.
Swallowing your own chunder is standard practice for accomplished throw up merchants and creates possibilities which way out weigh any qualms you may have at first about this. As an alternative or a staggering addition to, "rocket vomit", is the practice of swallowing your vomit with gasps of air several times in preperation to the BIG outlay. As you project, you belch forward the air you swallowed to produce extra thrust and some interesting sound effects. Imagine the awe when, in one magnificent resounding roar, you project a cluster of clogs over the hostess's shoulder and into the champange bucket! As they say, "you could be the envy of your friends". Seriously though, I too was very tentative about swallowing my own grommits; I especially remember worrying whether anyone would notice the pulsating of my throat. The reality of the situation is that the chances are your vomit tastes nicer than the food provided, after all, it is very familiar, you know where it has been and you don't have to worry whether it is dead or not. As for the pulsating throat, people usually don't notice but if they do, just smile politely and make a joke like, "the fish is trying to escape", or, "I'm sorry, but my vomit is not for sale". Remember to clear your throat first though!
Turning your head sideways stretches your wind-pipe producing a longer, thinner tunnel for your vomit load to come steaming through. Face forward whilst the vomit rises and only when the flow is full turn your head to face the side. This way the thinner passage doesn't restrict the initial build up of vomit. This has other advantages too in that whilst you are facing forward, a person to your side may not be paying you much attention and is not aware of what you are doing. Therefore if you really hate them you can turn sideways abruptly at the right moment and vomit in their lap. If you turn more slowly, they will think you want to talk to them and will look in your direction and receive a front seat view of the action.
Of course, turning the head fast has a certain "fling" effect on your vomit which can be utilised to great effect in the distance stakes, but remember that vomit travels in a straight line unless acted upon by some external face or object so you have to judge the release of the chewy bits with care as they will fly in a direction tangential to your mouth.
Fancy techniques for casting your vomit over your friends or opening doors with blasts of spew are all very well but they all depend on one vital ability which, up until now, has been unmentioned in this text. This ability is stomach power. We have discussed how the speed and flow of bits'n'bobs from the mouth can be enhanced with the use of the throat, lungs, tongue, head and other parts of the body but in the end everything depends on the sheer power of the stomach; just how many buckets/minute can you push at?? And what can be done to improve your chuck rate? The stomach muscles, like most muscles in the human body, grow to the strength that they need for your normal life and then no further. Hence, if you want to make them stronger, you have to use them more frequently, for longer, and for heavier tasks. Try eating enormous meals, doing sit-ups, bringing up dense food articles every morning and similar exercises. Progress is usually slow on this front, it may take over a year to develop a respectable chuck rate but stomach exercises are a must for any would be world contender.
By now we are well on the way to vomitting with great ability, and building a fine and enviable repertoire of ways in which to be sick, but what can we do to crown our skill with style? How does one gain that innovative, imaginative quality which you have always admired in the classic puke faces of history? Some people just don't have it, but don't take that as a reason to not try! The trick is being ever-aware of a good chucking opportunity and to have a quick mind to decide the best way to carry out the deed. As you go through your daily life, continuously ask yourself whether the circumstances are geared for a really witty vomit. Maybe the waitress has large pockets in her uniform or you might want to prove a point concerning the nature of the chilli dish. You could demonstrate how a venus fly trap works, prove to the dog that you can make a bigger mess, or show your uncle what you think of his house of cards. The chances are all out there, just waiting to be spotted beneath the surface, waiting to bring you satisfaction and respect. Look out for objects and people that contact with a blast of vomit would be outstandingly stylish and cool. Think through the actions in your routine life and imagine which of them would could be achieved more successfully with the use of your puke and which ones to which a nice, deep lurch of carrots would gracefully and aptly accompany. The stylish vomitter in company is a master of the unexpected; everyone knows he can implode tellys and topple passers by with his chunder but it is WHEN he releases his load that makes it an event that people will remember into their last days. Vomitting is a highly flexible and communicative form of expressing emotion.
A chuck of chunks can express grief, boredom, happyness, relief, surprise and love. In short, heaving is a way of life.